A little bit of this, a little bit of that

These last couple of days have been hectic for me and my family as we were trying to spend as much time as possible with my niece, who already left on Thursday may 19 to South Carolina. I've prayed a lot for her and her mother. For their safety and I do hope they are really happy there. I've felt ok about it, but it still makes me a little bit sad. Last week the weirdest thing happened, this is something that hadn't happened to me since I was a child. I don't know if I was dreaming or not, but I woke up with my face all wet with tears. I immediately knew it was because of my niece, so I guess in my subconscious I am really sad that she is leaving. But I surrender her to God's infinite care. I mean, who can take better care of her than Him?

She'll be coming back for holidays and her mom told me that her husband is retiring in 10 years and they'll be retiring here in Panama. Probably by that time Amy will stay in the U.S., which is fine, she'll have the opportunity of going to college there. Also I might go visit them sometime...they are going to live in Pickens, SC. The day before they left we were spending our last few hours with Amy and then we took her to her mom's. My ex-sister in law kept inviting me over and over to come visit them. She said that I will really like it, that the place is beautiful and she was already setting me up with her husbands nephews...I was like...wait, hold on! She had many praises for her husband and her husbands family, which I think is great, because I believe that you should be able to admire and respect your partner, but not only him, but his family also. It would be really nice to visit another place in the U.S. besides Miami. In Miami it' so funny, most of the people speak spanish or know a little bit of spanish. I would like to go to another state for a change. I have another friend who is in TX, she just got engaged, so hopefully I will be able to go for her wedding, even though I don't even know when it is. Another friend of the family was here in Panama recently and she invited me to come visit her in Kentucky. Her husband is due to go to Iraq so she'll be all alone with her mom. So I have SC, TX or KY.

I hope I can travel this year. The last time I was in the US was for my cousins wedding back in 2000. So it has been 5 years already!! My visa expired in 2001 so I have to renew it. I hope I don't have any trouble, because people have been telling me that after September 11 they have been very difficult at handing out visas. You have to pay $100 to get the appointment at the embassy, then you go with all your paperwork, have the interview and if they deny your visa you loose your $100. I don't think that is fair and I believe Americans who come to Panama, don't even need a visa, how come? I guess that happens when you are one of the most powerful countries in the world.

Last Friday the 13th I had a great time. It was a friend's birthday and we went out to dinner. It was great! I had so much fun. It reminded me of times when I was younger and things in life were a lot lighter. Things have really changed in a couple of years, but I thank God because I believe that I am stronger and more dependent of Him and also I know that my strength comes from Him and not myself. If it would have depended upon me probably I would have given up a long time ago, but you just have to keep on fighting. I firmly believe what it says in Romans 5:3-5 - More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Going back to my friend's birthday, we went to eat at this italian restaurant that is by the ocean. It was beautiful and I really had a nice time. I have so many responsibilities with my family that sometimes I forget to have more free time for myself. Sometimes responsibilities can be overwhelming specially when you have several people depending on you. I don't think I have mentioned this before in the blog but I will know, so that you can better understand. For reasons that I am not going to go into details here, my family now is basically supported by me. My grandma also contributes but she doesn't have that much, so I have the major responsibility. My older brother gives some for electricity and telephone expenses, but he is using what it used to be our study as an office, so basically he is paying for what he is using. My other brother recently moved back in. He is going through a very serious depression, so now I am supporting my dad, my mom, my grandma (partially), my brother and myself. So all our needs as a family come first, my preferences as an individual come second. I do have to say that God has given me what I consider a gift, because sometimes is very hard, and that is to be able to stop myself no matter how much I like or want something. I don't buy anything unless I know it is absolutely necessary and that it's going to be very, very, very useful. Maybe that is something God wanted us to learn, before when my father had his business whenever we wanted something we could have it. Not now. I have learned to manage what God has given me and always set apart what belongs to Him first. I have friends that say: "when I saw it I just had to have it" and then they end up in debt. Not me, God has taught self-control with money. I often wonder, why is God allowing me to be the one supporting my family? I am after all the youngest. It would seem more reasonable that one of my older brothers helped us while we are going through these difficult times, but that is not the case, on the contrary they are going through difficult times themselves.
As everything God does there is a purpose with this. I believe He is molding our characters, teaching us to die to ourselves. Sometimes I get upset with my brother (the one currently staying with us) because I can't believe he doesn't want to get up and go to work. But then I am reminded that "we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places" (Ep. 6:12) and that "the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds" (2 Cor. 10:4). It is no with him that I need to fight against, but I need to pray to God so that the spirit of depression will go away. Only God can change his disposition. I don't want to be like the older brother in the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32). So I am trying to do everything possible to help my brother, but I do tell him on his face that he needs to snap out of it and get back with his life. Where is God? Is this God that he says he believes in so weak? I know the answers but it seems my brother has forgotten them. I have to confess that I resented at the beginning that on top everything else, now I was also going to help support him. It meant an increase on all my expenses. Electricity, water, telephone, food, groceries, everything. But then God rebuked me and reminded me "what if it was you in this situation?"....so....I am learning Father, I am learning. But my flesh is weak that is why I need YOU so much, Father. I can relate to David in Psalms 13, specially when he asks: "How long?" but also when he says "but I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation". It reminds me that I am not the first, nor the last, nor the only one experiencing something like this.

If you are reading this and you are Christian I would appreciate your prayers because we are planning on opening a new family business. We don't have any money so it would all be through the grace of God. God willing it would be a relief for the whole family.